I’ll start with the one that probably ranks as the most memorably funny. Not sure how funny other people could find some of these though, but we’ll see how it goes…

(long back story)
This was back during summer ’09, when I worked at a store in Oregon state. Oregon has a bottle deposit. this means, every time you buy a canned or bottled beverage, you pay an extra 5 cents. you can then return the empty can/bottle at any retail outlet and get your 5 cents back. yes, its stupid. bottle deposits exist for 2 purposes: a) gives the state extra income from un-reclaimed deposits (as most people are too lazy to give a shit), and b) encourages the homeless to pick up litter for free.

believe me, this is some of the nastiest shit you can imagine. garbage bottles and cans, sticky with sugar and beer, made pungent with rain water. the smell is unique, unmistakable, and overpowering. bums would bring in massive bags full of cans/bottles to redeem (luckily we imposed a $2.50 limit per-person per-day), and it was always a mess. you would think that a little food store, one that even had a subway restaurant inside it, couldn’t conceivably have tolerated such an unsanitary germ-magnet. wrong. we did, because we had to. Oregon law. we sell, we have to redeem. oh and when the can bins are full and we change the liners, we had to take them out back – and RIGHT PAST Subway’s food prep area. its fucking bullshit, and the Health Inspectors are ok with it because the state is making money. (luckily I work in Washington now and do not have to deal with this anymore, and the Oregon Department of Health now gets an annual letter from me).

SO ANYWAY, one night I’m working a graveyard shift and go to take my break before I can relieve the swing shift (in Oregon you MUST take a 10 minuet break no earlier than 1 hour after you have started working – so our shifts overlap 1 hour + 10 minuets and we wait for each other to have breaks before we can go). well I picked the perfect time, because as soon as I had gotten my free 5 inch sub from the lovely subway girls (shit was so cash, only part of working there I miss) and went to eat in the office (a triangular space cordoned off of the rest of the store by a fake wall), I hear the unmistakable clamor of a garbage bag full of hollow aluminum, plastic and glass.

I do my best to ignore the sounds of the rummaging as my coworker watches the (obviously) homeless couple count out 50 cans/bottles. I just enjoy my meal, satisfied that I dodged the stinking bullet (never mind that I would likely deal with 4 or 5 such “customers” over the course of the night).

mid-bight into my sandwich, I hear the male bum exclaim, rather excitedly, “HEY, THERE ARE MY FRITOS!” as he clatters through his bag of 5 cent gold nuggets.

yes. he had put his food in with his cans. and yes. he still intended to eat them. on the opposite side of the wall I laughed, nearly chocking on my food. my coworker was disgusted, but I just laughed and laughed.

them fucking bums man, them fucking bums.