It won’t fit

As I mentioned in the previous edition of this fine publication, we got a lot of stuff we would be using during our service. Some items’ intended use was obvious; even in the military they don’t think it’s necessary to teach you how or why you wear boxers and t-shirt. Some pieces of equipment, such as a nest of small leather belts and a blue overall that apparently hasn’t been used a single time in the history of Finland’s army don’t make any sense at all. The common thing with all these things is that they are always of the wrong size.

No, it’s not funny. Sure, there is some novelty in wearing a jacket so huge that the sleeves almost hit the ground and trousers so small that you couldn’t fit an arm through the leg, but when it strikes to you that you have to walk around the base in them, it is no laughing matter. To counter utter discomfort and humiliation, the good people at the army gave us some time during which we could swap our stuff to perhaps get things that fit to at least some extent.

For some items this worked. For example, I was able to get a winter jacket that I could use without looking like I was attempting to operate a mobile tent. However, as was the case in a handful of items, our whole unit was given clothing of the same size, rendering swapping completely useless. Basically this meant that my boots and sneakers were large enough to fit an elephant and my beret was just about the right size for a baby doll.

This lasted for almost a week before we were allowed to go to the equipment storage to get our stuff exchanged for more fitting pieces. Of course this wasn’t such a quick operation, as there were a lot of us with ill-fitting clothes and equipment, so we got to queue for a long time before reaching the desk where the actual swapping took place, and even then they had run out of normal size sneakers. At that point I was already in a state resembling that of a lobotomy patient, so I didn’t even get angry by this setback. While self control is a good thing in the military, hopefully this doesn’t mean that my brain has already started to merge with the collaborative army hive mind. Now please excuse me while I do some push-ups to stay fit in order to serve and protect my country better.

-Fatal