Good morning everyone, and welcome to the second installment of my show, Ask Dr. Nomad! This is the show where you ask me, Dr. Nomad, those questions that keep nagging at you like that bitch you dated in high school that just used you for your car and only ever wanted to spend time with you when she needed a ride to her drug dealer!

Again, I feel compelled (by my lawyers) to remind everyone that I am not, in fact, a licensed doctor by any “accredited” university, and am not qualified to dole out real medical advice. However, my doctorate in social sciences at Joe-Bob Edwards’ Express School of Social Sciences in Kansas, while not a fully recognized degree in any state that I’m aware of (including Kansas), I assure you that I am well qualified to answer your most dire questions that you lie awake pondering every night while gently stroking that razor contemplating whether you’re just going to mark up your arm a little this time or go straight for the jugular!

Now, let’s get started!

Fatal Wrote:

Dear Dr. Nomad. I made a bet with my brother that I can hold my breath for 6 minutes underwater. Turns out that this feat is impossible. How do I win my money back?

Well, sir, I’m not sure how to break it to you, but when you gamble without even looking at the cards, it’s your own dumb fault for getting played. Short of stealing your money back, or killing your brother and claiming his possessions as a prize, there’s not much I can tell you as far as getting your money back. You could challenge your brother to another bet, but I do not in any way support the act of gambling. It is an evil practice, brought forth by the foulest of foul demons of the underworld. And also the last time I went to Las Vegas I lost over $800,000, my second and third house, my wife, my boat, my Lexus, my Jaguar, my time-share in the Bahamas, my mother’s diamond wedding ring–all to the same stinking imp in a purple suit and a feathered cap. He was like some Robin Hood type with a pimp cane. Although on the bright side, my marriage has never been better!

Anyhow, I would advise in these situations to simply to avoid making the bet in the first place.

Fatal Wrote:

Dear Dr. Nomad. I have a feeling that I’m being spied by the government or my aunt. I don’t know which one. Could you tell me who’s watching my every step?

I don’t know what you could possibly be talking about! Why would your aunt or the government need or even want to spy on you? Are you one of those “conspiracy theory” types? What are you going to ask next, whether we went to the moon or not? Of course we didn’t go to the moon, or I’d have a condo out there already!

What gets me about people like you, is that you assume that without any real evidence that you are being deceived. Well, I got one thing to tell you, buddy: Knock it off. Are you being followed by men in dark suits and dark sunglasses? I’ll bet not. Quit living in a world of fantasy and let the rest of us know when you’re back here on planet Earth.

MOTHER GOOSE! THE UGLY DUCKLING IS ON TO YOU. ADVISING TO ABORT THE MISSION. REPEAT ADVISING TO ABORT!

Ace Wrote:

Dear Mr. Doctor: I’ve noticed that for as long as I can remember, whenever it becomes dark outside I get a sudden urge to voluntarily render myself unconscious by lying on a large, flat, springy surface for an unscrupulous amount of time. I never know how long it is, but once I come out of this vulnerable state, it is always light outside again. What does this mean? Do I have a serious medical condition?

I hate to say but I am not qualified to dispense medical advice. I really wish I could help you, friend, but my hands are tied. If I were to guess, based on the symptoms you describe, I’d say either that you are a chronic drinker, or you might have swine flu. In either case you should visit a fine American doctor soon to receive a complete diagnosis.

Unfortunately, that is all we have for Ask Dr. Nomad today. Please, keep asking questions in the appropriate thread on the forums! Remember: The more questions you ask me, the more I can keep doing this fine column!

Until next time, friends!