Hi everyone, and thank you for tuning in to the very first installment of Ask Dr. Nomad! I will be your gracious host for this eve’, Dr. Nomad!

Lets start things out nice and simple today. Here’s how it works: In this series, you, the great people reading this article, ask me pressing life questions, and I do my best to answer them! These can be questions about relationships of all sorts, or questions about how to deal with your emotions when you are feeling down, and maybe even those deep existential that keep you up at night pondering why you bother to keep living!

Now, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I am (probably) required by law to inform everyone that I am not, in fact, a medical doctor and any health related situation you may have found yourself in you should ask a real medical health professional. On that note, while I do have a doctorate in social sciences from Joe-Bob Edwards’ Express School of Social Sciences in Kansas, it is not a fully recognized degree in any state that I’m aware of, including Kansas. However, I assure you that I am well qualified to answer your most dire questions about life, the universe, and everything!

Ok! Now that we’ve got that silly disclaimer stuff out of the way, let’s go ahead and get straight to the questions!

Darkwave0000 wrote:

Help! How can I stop hiccuping?

Wow! Now there’s a problem that stumps even the best of us sometimes! We’ve got so many different methods of ridding ourselves of this strange and sometimes debilitating ailment. From Socrates’ classic “upside down glass of water” trick, to Thomas Jefferson’s legendary “knock up a slave” routine.

I’m going to let you in on a secret, Darkwave0000, that I learned from my 6th grade music teacher. It is seriously a secret, though, so you can’t tell anyone outside this article or I may have to hire a mercenary to take your life.

Heyyy, I’m kidding folks! It’s a joke! Ok, really, so here it is: Take a deeeeeeep breath. Suck in as much air as you can until it feels like your lungs are going to pop. Then flex your abdominal muscles like you’re going to take a punch, and hold until the hiccups subside! I promise you, it works every time! If it doesn’t work and you start feeling light headed, I recommend pausing to take a few breaths before you pass out. Breathing is important!

Fatal wrote:

My friend has lung cancer please help Doctor Nomad! You’re my only hope!

As stated before, I am not a licensed medical health professional, so I cannot dole out any specific medical advice. However, my sources tell me that your question comes from Finland so I should be free from any legal backlash!

Your “friend” likely has lung cancer from the emissions produced by all of the industrial machinery and cheap cars that populate your filthy communist country. I would advise your “friend” to get himself in queue to see a specialist, but I realize in your pitiful, inferior country it can take decades to see a doctor because of the ridiculously stupid and useless universal healthcare system. You should tell your “friend” to hop on a plane for America The Beautiful and you can be sure he will be on his way to great health in no time!

And by “friend” I’m sure you mean “comrade,” you dirty red.

Osiris Kalev wrote:

Hi doctor. My friends tell me I’m saying evil vile sentences to them, but I don’t remember ever doing it.

Are they wrong or am I in the wrong?

I don’t know what’s stuck in your craw friend, but that is a very inappropriate thing to say to someone. Especially someone offering free life advice! I think your problem is that you just don’t care about others’ feelings. Well, I do have feelings, and I will not tolerate this kind of attitude. What have I ever done to you? Huh? Is this any way to treat someone you’ve just met? I mean, that second part about my mother was just simply uncalled for. I have a lot of issues with my mother, OK? That’s just… I don’t even know what to say.

You, sir, are just an animal. The only reason I’m including this is for people to see what kind of abuse that some people put up with in order to provide useful services to others. I can only pray that this be a lesson to you.

Well, that about wraps things up for this installment of Ask Dr. Nomad. Please, take some time to pose your questions to myself on the forums, and I’ll do my best to give you a complete and honest answer! And please, don’t be like that last guy. Let’s keep this civil, and especially keep my family members out of it!